Is there something that you think you need but just aren’t getting it? Maybe you need more emotional support with a situation you’re going through. Maybe you need more time with your spouse than what you’re currently receiving. Maybe it’s a different job or role at your company. Maybe you need a mentor or a friend but neither seem to be happening.
The longer you go without what you need a low grade fever of anger seems to develop. Before you know it you’ll have the dreaded disease of bitterness.
So why can’t you get what you need? Is it because your friends aren’t really friends? Is it because no one cares about you? You’ll start to tell yourself that when you have that low grade fever.
Let me set your mind at ease. Nothing is wrong with your friends and you are deeply loved. While we are at it there is nothing wrong with what you want either. Your requests are reasonable and the needs are legitimate.
The problem is that you didn’t ask your friends or loved ones for what you need. Your friends and loved ones want to help, but they aren’t mind readers. Don’t cash in great friends because you are expecting them to possess a gift no one has—telepathy.
Maybe you think your friends should “just know” what you need. If you keep holding on to that view of relationships…your fever will turn into full blown stage 4 cancer, killing every relationship you hold dear.
Your friends have a life too. They love you dearly and they have lots of balls they are juggling…just like you. No one has time to sit around guessing what everyone in their life wants.
A friend of mine just recently went through the loss of a loved one and was frustrated that no one brought food over. I was with her family and pointed out how lots of her friends had offered to help but she hadn’t taken them up on the offer. She hadn’t asked for the help she needed and wanted. I encouraged her to reach out and ask a couple of her friends who had said, “If you need anything let me know.” Guess what happened? The next day she had more food than Golden Corral. She was expecting people to read her mind. All she had to do was ask and she received.
This is not only true with food. I’ve experienced so many great things because of just asking. I’ve had people invest in my life and enrich my soul in considerable ways all because I asked them to mentor me. People have let my family use their vacation home because we asked. I’ve gained access to amazing property to hunt and fish all because I asked. I’ve been able to meet some influential people because I asked. I’ve even been upgraded for car rentals and hotel rooms all for the price of asking. Best of all my relationship with my wife improved when I learned how to ask appropriately.
I could go on and on about how just simply asking has changed the direction of my life and dreams.
I’m not saying you get everything you ask for. That’s certainly not true! I’ve been turned down flatly more times than I can count. The way I look at is if I’m denied my request I’m exactly at the same place I was before I asked. But if they say “yes” I’m in a whole new ball game.
Many times we struggle asking for what we need or want because of two reasons:
1. Fear of Rejection
No one likes to be rejected. It’s painful. But are you really being rejected or just the request? Sometimes we think that if we get turned down the person we are asking is rejecting who we are at a core level. They’re not rejecting the essence of who you are. They just don’t want to give you permission to hunt or fish on their land.
You’ve got to learn to distinguish the request from who you are. You’re not being rejected, just your request.
2. We Don’t Feel Like We’re Worth It
It’s easy to hide low self-esteem behind the mask of humility. Asking someone for something is an act of humility. You are admitting you can’t do it on your own. You need their help. You aren’t demanding their help, you’re asking for it. Big difference. People resist expectations and demands, but at a core level people love to help others…if they were only asked.
Could the reason you have a hard time asking be because you struggle believing you are worth it?
If you struggle with a low self-esteem the idea of a NO is all that more fearful to you and will keep you from asking.
Maybe as a child you were told to stop asking for things and to “just be grateful for what you have.” That philosophy is limiting you and destroying your relationships. People want to help you, but they can’t help if they aren’t aware of what you need.
Don’t walk away from your friendships, marriage, job, church or anything else of importance because you have the misguided belief that people should “just know” what you need. Those type of people don’t exist…anywhere.
Interestingly, God want us to ask Him too for what we need. And He IS a mind reader! He wants us to ask not because He is sadistic and wants us to beg. No, I think God wants us to ask because He knows the very process of asking forces us to get clear on what we want and need. We need the lesson in humility that comes from asking. No matter how smart, rich, or connected we think we are, at the end of the day we are just fragile clay pots (2 Cor. 4:7). When God provides we know He is the source of everything good in our life (James 1:17).
We can’t blame our low self-esteem on God. If God freely gave His Son for you do you seriously think He is not going to give you something you need?
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? -Romans 8:32
We go without so many things from God and others because we simply don’t ask.
What do you need right now? Ask for it.
