How can you tell if you really love someone?
If you were asked that question by your kids what would you say? One day they’ll probably ask so you should be ready.
When we speak of love we often describe it in terms of the way the other person makes us feel or how they treat us or what they do for us. All those things are important aspects of any relationships, but true love requires significantly more.
Being a pastor, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat across from couples who wanted me to officiate their wedding. They confessed their undying love for each other and how they had finally found their soulmate. I always ask each couple how committed they are to the relationship. Enthusiastically they answer 115% and look at each other with such warmth and tenderness.
When I first started out as a pastor my goal was to have a zero-divorce rate. I would do such a great job filtering couples and putting them through rigorous premarital training it would be impossible for them to get a divorce!
The very first couple that asked me to marry them endured the full force of my zeal for a zero-divorce rate. They read so many books and went through so many different exercises. I was convinced they would never divorce. Guess what? Before they even celebrated their first wedding anniversary they were divorced.
My goal went out the window with my first wedding!
Fifteen years later, I’ve conducted countless weddings for couples who all have said the same thing the first couple said…they were 100% committed to each other.
On each wedding day as vows are made to their spouse and God I wonder if they will honor in the winter what they are saying in the warmth of summer. When the vows are finished I always say, “Amen,” which is my own prayer to God… “So be it,” or “May they keep what they have just vowed to You.”
It’s hard for young couples to understand what true love is because they only think about how the other person has made them feel up to this point. They are thinking about love in reverse.
On your wedding day, it is all about future love. A future you aren’t yet living in with a person who may not look or act like the one who is standing beside you in that moment. The vow is to love all the different versions of the person you are about to marry. It’s hard for anyone to grasp that kind of commitment…on second thought one type of person understands this very well.
Mothers understand this.
Mothers love through all kinds of seasons and weather without any formal ceremony or vow. They love all of the different versions of their child as they grow and change through the good and bad.
Mothers show us by their example that the greatest test of love is not how someone makes you feel. The greatest test of love is suffering.
Mothers endure tremendous suffering just to be able to physically hold the object of their love. The suffering for mothers doesn’t stop at birth. Moms suffer through sleepless nights to feed and care for their baby. Moms suffer through slammed doors and “I hate you” from a child that doesn’t understand the pain it’s causing. Moms understand how suffering and love go together. Their love is tested repeatedly and yet the majority of moms never view it as a test. It’s just what love does.
We forget what our mamas showed us about true love.
The greatest test of love is not how someone makes you feel. The greatest test of love is suffering.
Marriage vows warn about the possibility of future suffering…for better or worse…in sickness or health…for richer or poorer. We warn couples who are in summer that winter will come one day and you’ll have to prove what you are saying during the easy days of summer.
How do you know if you love someone?
The worst answer is… “You just know.”
The better answer is… “You’re willing to endure suffering.”
I wonder if the reason we struggle with loneliness is because we leave any relationship at the first sign of “suffering.” (I’m not talking about abuse.)
Once there was a guy who was accused of only loving God for what God did for him. He was accused of being a fair-weather follower of God. God did a lot for this guy, in fact, so much he was the richest person where he lived. Who was his accuser? Satan.
Satan believed that if all the blessings were taken away, if he was made to suffer, he wouldn’t love God anymore.
Imagine you lost your job, your 401K, your pension, your house, your car, and your kids all at the same time. Would you be at church this week?…this year? Would you still love God?
This guy lost all those things at once. How did he respond? (By the way his name is Job.)
Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship. He said, “I came naked from my mother’s womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!” -Job 1:20-21
I wouldn’t have responded the way Job did.
Job proved that he didn’t just love God for how God made him feel or what God did for him. Job endured the greatest test of love (suffering) and proved that his love was genuine.
One day your love for whomever you say you love will be tested through what feels like a form of suffering. It doesn’t mean you married the wrong person or that something is wrong with your friendship or that you took the wrong child home from the hospital.
A difficult season is the only way to prove your love is genuine. Love is the only thing that keeps people from bailing.
God himself endured great suffering for the world He loves. He proved his love for us, while we were not at our best (sinners), by dying on the cross.
If you are going through what feels like suffering with someone you love be encouraged. Your willingness to endure this season proves your love is genuine and not just words.
In every season love “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Cor. 13:7)
