Have you ever felt judged before? It’s the worst feeling in the world, especially when you feel like the crusader for morality doesn’t know the whole story.
My wife drives a suburban. It takes some backbone to admit that here in New York. I know some of you are already judging my family. 🙂 “How could you drive such an environmentally destructive vehicle? Don’t you care for God’s creation?”
Someone once even asked us something similar…so I punched them in the throat.
Just kidding, but honestly it wasn’t fun being judged by someone who knew very little about our back story. We were given said suburban by a very sweet couple a few years ago who wanted our family to have it. It has been a huge (literally) blessing to us! We sold the minivan we had (and were making payments on) and thanked God for a debt-free vehicle that could haul our crew of 5 around plus the tag-along friends. No way we would all fit in a Prius.
The sweet couple who gave us their car.
I relayed the backstory to the Morality Police and to their credit (and chagrin) they had a change of heart.
Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish. –Proverbs 18:13
We all have played the fool in judging others without having the whole story. But does that mean we should never ever speak up if we see a friend making poor choices?
I can think of times when someone took a risk and spoke up and it helped me grow. I bet you can too. It wasn’t easy to hear at the time, but looking back I’m glad they did (Prov. 28:23).
There will be a time God asks you to speak up in a friend’s life. But also know there will be times God will ask someone to speak to you about some stuff too.
The last thing any of us want is a bunch of judgmental people running around writing citations. But we can’t just look the other way while our friends drive their life off a cliff either.
So how do you know if God is asking you to speak up? I want to give you a few questions I’ve compiled over the years to ask yourself before you speak up…
1. Are they a Christian?
If they aren’t, leave it alone. It’s not our job to police people who don’t believe what we believe. God isn’t asking you to be the moral police for the world (1 Corinthians 5:12).
That means we shouldn’t expect non-Christians to act like Christians should act. Of course “should” is the key word because if we are honest we struggle with some very basic tenants of our faith like generosity, forgiveness, and self-control.
We are often too eager to point out what’s wrong in others’ lives all the while ignoring what’s wrong in our own. We love to cherry pick sins and rail against them. The interesting thing is that the sins we pick are always selective…it’s the things we don’t struggle with, while the sins we do struggle with rarely get air time.
It’s way easier to point out what’s wrong with others than to deal with what’s wrong in our own hearts and homes.
We have a tendency to minimizing our own sins while maximizing the sins of others (Luke 18:9-14).
When we minimize our own sins we reveal to the world the sins of self-righteousness & pride. Maybe the worst sin of all is we are usurping God’s authority and placing ourselves in His role as judge.
On a side note, if you belong to a healthy church there will probably be more than a few people who attend your church who are just checking out Christianity. They haven’t made up their mind yet. They are trying before they buy. They are curious, just not convinced and for many of them you are the only Christian they know. So don’t assume that just because they sit beside you in church, or attend some event or activity that they are a follower of Jesus and you can fire away.
2. Am I the right person?
If you don’t know them…you aren’t the right person.
If you have never been to their house…you probably aren’t the right person.
If you never invested in their life in any meaningful way…you aren’t the person.
If you have to ask someone else if they think you are the right person…you aren’t.
OR
If you aren’t their leader…you aren’t the right person.
You’ll know.
3. Why do I want to tell them?
It’s a question about your motives. If you are looking forward to confronting them…you’re the wrong person. Because it’s not about helping them…it could be about revenge…or anger…or even jealousy.
Your motivation has to be to make them better not to help you feel better.
4. Am I open to feedback?
If you are going to speak up in others’ lives you have to be open to receiving it.
Jesus said, “For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged” (Matthew 7:2). I want to make sure my measure is small and full of grace because I need it. I’m not saying godliness doesn’t matter. I’m saying I don’t want to add anything to what Jesus said.
Make sure you are living an examined life before you are examining the life of others. Deal with your own “planks” first (Matthew 7:3-5).
5. Is this the right time?
You might be the right person with the right motivation but it’s the wrong time. Don’t have this conversation when they are down, discouraged, tired, or around others.
Don’t blast off an email. Don’t send an anonymous note. Sit down with them face to face and have a conversation…like a good friend would.
Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. -Galatians 6:1 Message
