What if there was one thing you could do today that would change your entire Christmas for the better? What if this one thing could change every day next year for the better too? And not just next year but every year would be better.
I know it sounds like hype. But the moment you hear what it is you will know I’m right.
What am I talking about?
Forgiveness.
When we choose to withhold forgiveness it makes everything ugly, not just Christmas sweaters. Family gatherings, friendships, marriages, churches…all become ugly without it.
What would change this Christmas if you chose to forgive? What could you get back this Christmas if you chose to forgive?
I’m guessing there are some people you sent Christmas cards to last year that you didn’t this year. I’m guessing there are some people you’ve chosen to unfollow or unfriend this year on social media. I’m guessing there are some people you are dreading seeing this Christmas season.
Why? Because there is something between you that you won’t let go of. You aren’t going to forget it. You have convinced yourself that if you let it go they will have gotten away with something. You’ve convinced yourself that if you let it go you’ll be vulnerable to future pain at their hands.
You’re convinced you have to protect yourself. And you are protecting yourself…right into loneliness and bitterness.
You say you’re fine, but you’re not. How do I know? Because you still get upset about it.
Today, I want you to give yourself a gift. I want you to give yourself the gift of letting it go. I want you to give yourself the gift of forgiveness. Some people think forgiveness is a gift you give the other person, but it’s really a gift you give yourself.
Do you know why it’s a gift you give yourself? Your anger isn’t hurting them. Your frustration isn’t bothering them. They’ve moved on. They sleep fine at night. They aren’t consumed with it, you’re consumed with it. Some of the people you’re mad at are dead. It’s certainly not hurting them.
Forgiveness will save you a lot of money. (Now you’re interested!) I’m not talking just about saving on counseling bills. I’m talking about divorce…it’s expensive! I’ve read most people lose 70% of their net worth. It’s expensive for your kids too. Do you know what your kids want for Christmas? They want you to settle your differences. They want a more peaceful home.
Maybe you’re thinking… “Yeah I want that too, but it’s their fault! If they would just stop….or if they would just start….then things would be peaceful.”
If you just thought that you need to keep reading because this is for you.
DEFINING MOMENTS
We rarely recognize defining moments in the present. We only recognize them when we look backwards. “Wow! Because I took that job and moved to a new state I met my spouse.” It’s hard to realize how far reaching a decision will be in the moment. Today, you’re faced with a defining moment. You’re at a fork in the road. It’s one of those crucial moments you’ll be able to look back on and say it changed everything.
“The Christmas of 2018 was the Christmas I got my relationship with my mom back because I decided to let it go.”
“I was able to build a few great memories with my dad that I’ll hold on to forever because of what I chose to do that Christmas in 2018.”
“My kids know their cousins because I reconciled with my sister or brother.”
“We were headed for divorce in 2018 but because of a decision we made in 2018 we celebrated our 50th Wedding Anniversary today.”
FRAGRANT & LUCKY
Would it surprise you to know that the Apostle Paul called out 2 people in a letter he wrote to tell them to let it go? He said, “It’s time. This has gone on long enough. It’s time to stop nursing your wounds and time to put your big boy pants on and be an adult. It’s time for you to settle your differences and get to the real business of life.” Paul told them…You are better than this!
Paul wants to make sure they know how much he loves them before he tells them a hard truth.
One lady is named Euodia which means “Fragrant.” The other lady is named Syntyche and her name means “Fortunate” or “Lucky.” Two women, Fragrant and Fortunate, are involved in a fight…at church no less. Maybe everybody knows about the fight and it’s why Paul includes it in his letter. How would you like Paul calling you out in a letter to the entire church?
I imagine Fragrant was a woman who loved essential oils. She was the first person to put oil in a necklace. She always smelled like a hint of patchouli. She put diffusers in all the bathrooms at church. She had an oil blend for whatever ailed you.
The other lady Fortunate. I imagine everything she touched turned to gold. She just happened to marry the right guy. She could eat whatever she wanted and never gain an ounce. Her kids were perfectly behaved. She never had a bad hair day. She went to buy a house and somehow she got the perfect lot with the perfect builder. Someone gave her a lotto ticket for Christmas (she would never buy one herself of course) and she won $10,000! This girl was lucky! But she likes to say she is #blessed.
Paul is saying…to both of these ladies…Fragrant, you are stinking up the whole church with your disagreement. Fortunate, you aren’t #blessing the church with your disagreement. You’re bigger than this! You’re better than this! Settle your differences.
Notice this…they weren’t new Christians or even younger women. These women worked hard in starting this church. They cared about the message of Jesus.
Even people who know better, even people who love Jesus can let something small grow into something big. We can let it get so big it keeps us from those we love. It’s true if you’re 20 or 70.
Age doesn’t make you immune to relationship struggles.
Have you ever been in an argument with your spouse and as you’re telling your best friend about it you realize how dumb it is? You’re fighting about something so small and stupid. Of course, it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like everything you value and stand for is on the line, but really they just forgot to pick up milk.
I know…I know…your situation is different. I know it’s not that simple. I know you would tell me… “It sounds like it’s about that but it’s really about something deeper. It’s that they don’t value me…it’s that they don’t really care about…”
Do you what Paul would say to you? Settle your differences.
Paul would say, you’ve got to let it go. At the end of the day, what you’re so upset about isn’t that big of a deal. People don’t know Jesus, that’s a big deal! You’re getting distracted from the important things in life.
We have this ability to take something small and let it grow into something really really big until we convince ourselves it’s worth abandoning the relationship.
I think about these 2 ladies and I wonder what could have started this fight?
Fragrant offended me! She gave me this oil and said my husband would like this smell. How would she know what my husband likes? Does she think I stink? What’s wrong with the perfume I wear?
Or maybe Lucky was telling Fragrant about how hard life is. She was asking for prayer because she was nervous about going to Italy on the trip she won online. She was worried about flying first class. She was worried about staying in the 5 star hotel. Fragrant had had enough of her complaining about how “tough” life was.
Paul told them…settle your difference.
But this creates a question for us. What does “settle your disagreement” look like in the real world?
I think we envision two people sitting down having a rational conversation. Each of them sharing the blame and then hug it out.
Never going to happen. If it was going to happen it would have. If you could sort it out like that you already would have.
If we’re honest…
We don’t want to sort it out. We want them to give out.
We think if we keep holding a grudge, if we keep them at arms distance, if we keep ignoring them, they will eventually give out. They will see the error of their ways and come back to us asking for our forgiveness. It won’t happen. Why? People are stubborn. We are stubborn.
We don’t want to admit fault or accept blame until the other person does. We don’t want to sort it out, we want them to give out.
Relationships don’t just fix themselves.
Especially when we keep ignoring, pointing out their faults and holding on to our hurts. Think about that…We expect our relationship to get better while we hold on to our pain.
Relationships don’t just fix themselves. Someone has to go first. Guess who that someone should be?
You don’t fix your relationship by sorting it out, you fix it by forgiving it out.
As long as your picture is 2 people equally sharing responsibility you will never get back on track.
Someone has to lay down their sword first.
Do you know the best gift you can give this Christmas? You take your sword put a big bow on it and lay it down.
If you did that this Christmas what might happen? Maybe you would get your mom back while you still have a few good years left. Maybe you would get your sister back. Maybe you would get your friend back. Maybe you would save your marriage.
I’m not saying things will get better overnight. I’m not saying pick up where you left off. I’m not saying extend complete trust. I’m not saying you won’t have a lot of work to do to get healthy. What I’m saying is the first step is someone has to lay their sword down first. Someone has to say we’re better than this. Someone has to say…we can’t sort it out, but we can forgive it out.
As long as you insist on being right, the relationships will never be made right. You’ve got to move past who is right and who is wrong and decide to value the relationships more over winning and losing.
Some of you are keeping your relationships stuck because you are willing to accept some blame, but you want the other person to accept blame too.
Here is what I want you to remember.
When it comes to blame give up on dividing it up.
Don’t text your friend and say we need to talk…I read this amazing blog this weekend and it made me realize we need to settle our differences. So I’m sorry…are you sorry too? You aren’t looking to settle the issue you are trying to divide the blame.
Also, don’t call your friend up and say I just wanted to let you know I forgive you for that terrible, rotten thing you did. Because they are going to say, “You forgive me? I don’t need forgiveness…YOU need forgiveness!” And it’s stirred up all over again.
PEACE ON EARTH
This season we sing songs about peace on earth. We sing songs about good will toward men all while we carry a sword. All while we are embroiled in an epic battle with a friend, a sibling, a parent, a spouse.
It’s time we stopped singing and started bringing peace.
How do you do that? How do you know you’ve put your big boy pants on?
You apologize without expecting to hear one in return.
Somewhere along the way we were told a lie…if you love someone it will be easy. Two spiritual women…Fragrant and Lucky…show us that’s not true.
Here is the truth…in relationships you are always falling short of the other person’s expectations. There isn’t a single relationship you have or will have that won’t let you down in some way. You can go through with the divorce but I guarantee you the next person will let you down. You can start going to another church, but I guarantee you the next pastor will let you down. You can give up on your friendship, but the next one will hurt you too.
So what’s the solution?
The solution isn’t to sort it out, it’s to forgive it out.
“I can’t do that! You don’t know what they’ve done!” You’re right I don’t but here is what Paul says a little later on in this same chapter
It’s interesting to me that in other letters Paul writes to churches he mentions this theme of forgiveness. I guess he just knew when you really plant yourself in a church community you are going to need forgiveness.
Do you really have to tell people to be kind? You do when they have their sword drawn.
Paul is telling us one of the hallmarks of those who follow Christ is that they forgive. Think about that…we lay down our swords first. We give the gift of forgiveness we’ve received by going first.
God in His great love for us went first. He laid down His sword and sent his Son to earth as a baby. Why a baby? No one is afraid of a baby. This baby grew up and showed us over and over again that God loves us, never picking up a sword his entire life. God didn’t just lay down His sword, but His life for us on a cross. Not to sort it out but to forgive it out.
God isn’t asking us to do something he wasn’t willing to do. A hallmark of being a follower of Jesus is we do the same thing. We lay down our right to get even. That’s really what forgiveness is…I give up my right to get even. I lay down my sword.
Imagine what would happen if you did that today. Imagine the peace you would have in your home. Imagine what Christmas dinner would be like. Imagine what 2019 would be like to have your friend back. Imagine having time to build a few more good memories with your mom or dad before it’s too late.
Today is a defining moment.
