Everyone wants to be loved, but not everyone experiences the deep and lasting friendships they are looking for.
Why do some people make a new friend wherever they go and others find it hard to make just one?
The temptation is to assume it’s personality or it’s due to whether you are an introvert or extrovert. It’s neither. I’ve seen people with every type of personality have tons of friends who loved them.
So what makes the difference?
This week I was forced to say good-bye to my sister-in-law in a church that was filled to capacity. It was literally standing room only with people spilling into an overflow viewing area.
She was loved by lots of people.
In fact, she was so loved her church friends rallied “lots of people” and bought her a car to help get to and from her cancer treatments.
(Dodge had over 7000 registries and hers was the first one to be fully funded. The girl was loved!)
As I’ve spent some time this week letting my heart catch up with my mind, I can’t help but reflect on all of the people who loved her. People from every sphere of her life felt the same way about her. They all said, “She was the most selfless person I have ever met.”
Other funerals I’ve been part of barely filled a row. The deceased was unknown to me and disconnected from any local church. I was there as a favor for a friend of a friend. It was sad on so many levels.
I didn’t know those individuals so I’m not going to speculate on why it was empty.
But I knew my sister-in-law.
What makes the difference? After some time to reflect this week I’ve come to this conclusion:
Simple choices made consistently even when they’re inconvenient or emotionally difficult result in being loved by lots of people.
The choices are simple. We all know the right thing to do to be a great friend, but we don’t choose it consistently or when it’s emotionally difficult.
What are those simple choices?
They Choose to be a Contributor Not a Consumer
Selfless people never lack for friends. The orientation of their life is outward.
The thing is when you show up in other people’s lives consistently for the big things AND the small things people start to love you. “Consistently” is the key. Showing up once or twice is nice, but every time is love.
Contributors never say, “Call me if you need something.” They anticipate what you need and show up. They don’t let your insecurities or your misguided self-reliance keep them from contributing love to your journey.
Being a contributor stems from your orientation of the universe. Are you at the center or are others? People who orient their life around others never lack for friends. It’s hard to choose this consistently.
They Choose to be Positive instead of Pessimistic
I’m sure we all know an Eyore or two who complains about everything. No matter how amazing something is they can find something that makes them gloomy. I’m not saying you can’t have a bad day, but if you struggle finding the bright side you’ll struggle in the friend department.
Magnetic people seem to be able to smile and be positive even when all hell is breaking loose. We find ourselves inspired by people who have every legitimate reason to be depressed but instead choose joy. We want to be like them.
They Choose Trust Over Suspicion
Every friendship will reach a point where something happens or someone tells you something that will make you question if you really know your friend. In that moment you have a choice to believe the best or become suspicious.
Great friends don’t second-guess your motives, because you have a long and proven track record together of the type of character you have. The moment you choose suspicion your friendship just took the exit ramp (1 Cor. 13:7).
They Choose Roots Over Boots
If I were to pick the number one reason why people don’t have loads of friends it’s because they lack faithfulness. Inevitably something negative will happen among even the best of friends and your feelings will be hurt. In that moment you have a choice to stay or to leave. The choice to stay and develop deep roots is way harder than putting on your boots and walking away.
Sure it’s easier to make a new friend than it is to push through the conflict. The problem is that your new friendship will eventually have one of those moments too. If you keep this pattern, one day you’ll wake up with lots of shallow friendships because you “don’t want to get hurt again” and zero deep friends.
When you get there remember it was a choice you made because you chose suspicion over trust which led you to walk away.
Faithfulness is in short supply these days (Prov. 20:6). People choose boots over roots with friendships, jobs, communities, churches, marriages…you name it. Then they wonder why they feel alone in their nice home.
Deep friendships require deep roots. By choosing to stay you reveal you’re a deep person who is trustworthy.
Our church did a tribute service for my sister-in-law in which we had old pictures and footage we showed. Someone mentioned it was so nice to have all of that archived footage. The only reason we had it was because she had planted deep roots. Longevity matters.
If you’ve been part of almost every church in your area it doesn’t speak well to the type of character you have. Especially since faithfulness is a fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22).
They Choose to Remember the Best and Forget the Rest
Q: How do you choose roots?
A: Massive doses of forgiveness.
Every deep friendship will require you to forgive and be forgiven (Eph. 4:32). You have a choice on what you will dwell on. When you choose to focus on the hurt and pain you’re not going to be friends for long. When you extend the same grace you want when you have a “Hey, I’m only human…No one’s perfect” moment you’ll find you keep a lot more friends.
I bet if you think about the people you love the most they’ve consistently made these choices in your relationship. That’s why you love them.
You will eventually have to make all of these choices with all of your friendships. If you consistently choose the higher path even when inconvenient or emotionally difficult you’ll be loved by lots of people…with overflow at your funeral because of your selfless life.
