Anytime we travel to visit friends in Virginia there is a part of the trip where we never know what to expect.
Our route takes us over a particular mountain that is notorious for fog. Afton Mountain has all types of warning signs and systems to alert you of dangerous fog conditions. The interstate even has airport runway lights built into the road to guide you during fog. The fog gets so thick you can’t see the normal reflectors or even the dividing lines on I-64.
The journey can test the most conscious of drivers. It’s quite unnerving to think the speed limit is 65 and you literally can’t see 5 feet in front of you. Not to mention the thought of tractor trailers barreling down the mountain behind you or beside you. You want to get off the mountain and out of the fog as quickly as possible. But that is where the rub comes in…if you try to get out of it too quickly you could easily wreck.
There is no fast and safe way to get out of the fog. You just have to slow down, turn Taylor Swift off, place your hands at 10 and 2, and follow the lights.
I’ve found that there are certain situations in life that feel a lot like Afton Mountain. Certain situations create such a deep emotional fog that it can be disorienting. These moments make you second-guess yourself, they make the path forward confusing. Sometimes it gets so bad you just want to pull over and quit.
In my mind there is nothing that creates more fog than emotions. You are never more likely to wreck your life than when you are right in the middle of the fog caused by emotions.
The number one cause of emotional fog…your relationships. You have a great friend who hurts you or gossips about you behind your back…fog rolls in. Someone you lead jumps ship…fog rolls in. I bet I don’t have to give you a ton of examples…I’m guessing you know exactly what I’m talking about.
It’s during those emotionally foggy times when you know what the right thing to do is but you can’t seem to do it because of your own hurt. You know a great leader would, you know it’s what Jesus would do…but you’re paralyzed by the fog.
Recently, I experienced this very situation in which I was hurt and forced to suffer with dignity. My preference would be “don’t let the door hit you on the way out,” but being a leader, my preference and what’s best for the group I lead aren’t always the same. I had to force myself to consider, “If I wasn’t in the fog of emotion what would be the most loving thing I could do? How could I extend hospitality to this person?”
It wasn’t easy, but when I’m the first person to walk across the room and break the awkwardness I find I’m able to rise above the fog of the emotions. Instead of feeling out of control, I felt in total control and more able to offer love to a person who was still in the fog of their emotions. Here is one thing I know…the clarity is worth the effort.
How do you rise above the fog of the emotions? Here are a few things that help me:
1. WAIT
When you’re in the fog…If you can wait to take action or make a decision…do it. Wait as long as possible. When the wound is fresh the pain clouds your judgment. How you respond to this situation doesn’t affect just this relationship, it affects those who are watching too.
If you made all of your most important life decisions when you were down, discouraged, and disappointed, do you think they would be great decisions? Of course not, yet most people make life-altering decisions at their lowest point. Then they wonder why their life is a mess and they don’t have any friends.
When you are in the fog of emotions you are much more likely to make extreme decisions…unfriending someone (in all its forms)…quitting your job…having an affair…leaving your church…starting an addictive behavior…kinda like this lady. You may not be that extreme…but it doesn’t have to be to still wreck your life. Wait or at least go a lot slower than normal…kinda of like driving in the fog….cause you are.
2. REMEMBER THE REPERCUSSIONS
An email that you fire off in anger or a text you send can be seen by anyone. I remind myself that before I send any email or text… “If everyone in my church read this would I still send it?” Not to mention, email and text are a terrible way to have a conversation. Try to at least speak on the phone. I know some people can get so clouded they won’t even take your call, but try. The bottom line is how you handle this will determine the future. It will determine your future within the organization you work for and it will determine the future relationships you have with this person and others they are connected to. Remember: Leaders are paid to keep their cool when everyone else is losing theirs.
3. GET OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVE
When you are in the fog of emotions you can’t see clearly in any direction. You need people who are wise (probably not your BFF) who can help guide you. These are people who don’t have a vested interest in the outcome. They have saved me more than once. “Roscoe, this isn’t a big deal. Let it go.” “Roscoe, lean into this it’s bigger than you think.”
4. PLAN YOUR RESPONSE
After a few accidents I’m guessing the Highway Safety Board came up with some solutions to help motorists navigate the intense fog that’s common on Afton Mountain. They didn’t stick their head in the sand and hope it never happened again. They knew it would happen again and wanted to lessen the impact.
Since emotional fog is caused by relationships and you have lots of those…emotional fog is going to repeatedly happen. It will repeatedly happen around certain situations that are unique to your life or industry.
What if you came up with a template of how you would handle those situations? I understand you can’t do this for every situation, but instead of saying, “Here we go again” what if you had a sense of peace heading into the fog knowing that all you had to do was follow the illuminated lights you had set out beforehand…until the fog lifted? The clarity is worth the effort.
Question: Where have you recently experienced emotional fog? Share your answer on Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn.
