Do you remember your wedding day? You found the perfect person to commit your life to!
This person was different. You loved the way they made you feel. You loved how they treated you. This was true love! It was so great you wanted it to last forever.
So you got a dress, a photographer, and a minister. Said a few words and bam…Happily Ever After! Time to party the night away!
What could possibly go wrong?
Actually, lots of things depending on how you talk about love.
The way we talk about love can set us up for heartbreak.
We love our spouse for what they do for US. We love them for how they make US feel. How they treat US. We can come to marriage with a mindset of what we hope to get out of it. We don’t come to marriage with a mindset of giving.
If we come to marriage with a mindset of getting instead of a mindset of giving it’s not going to last long. This is true of any relationship.
Let’s go back to your vows. Do you remember them? The traditional vows of marriage go something like this…
I take you as my lawful spouse to have and to hold from this day forward…
…in sickness and health
…for better or worse
…for richer or poorer
…till death do us part.
If your wedding day was like mine it was probably a blur. So I wanted to remind you of 4 things you committed to your spouse that you probably didn’t realize in the excitement of the moment. 4 things that are easy to forget in the painful moments.
1. Your Vows Were Other-Person Focused
You didn’t promise to love them based on their performance to you and your needs. You just promised that you would love them through all the seasons of life.
You promised unconditional love. It wasn’t a contractual agreement. If you do this…then I’ll always love you. You just committed what you would do…no strings attached.
Sure they made commitments to you as well, but your commitment to them was separate from theirs. It stood on it’s own. As a sign of your unwavering commitment you gave your spouse a ring.
This is the first part of the vow to be broken in a marriage and it creates a cascading effect.
If both people approach each other with their hands out to get how successful do you think that relationship will be?
We devolve into a vicious cycle… “If you’re not going to meet my needs, then I’m not going to meet your needs.”
But that isn’t at all what you promised on your wedding day. You committed to be focused on their needs…for better or worse.
…Love is not self-seeking… -1 Corinthians 13:5
2. Your Vows Implied Difficult Days
One would think the vows we pastors require each person to make to the other (before God) would clue them in that the future isn’t going to be exclusively rainbows and unicorns.
What part of sickness…worse…or poorer sounds easy?
But couples are often shocked when those days actually come.
The reason you made such a bold commit was to demonstrate to your spouse that your love wasn’t based on circumstances. Your love was unwavering. You were committed to them… come what may.
The Marines have a slogan “Simper Fidelis.” You’ve probably seen “Semper Fi” on the back of any proud corp member’s car. It means “Always Faithful.”
Why would the Marines have that as a slogan? Why not something like, “No mercy!” or “Tougher than Your Mother?”
I have to wonder if it’s because in the heat of battle you are going to be tempted not to be faithful to country and corp.
The fact that we make a commitment “for better or worse” should clue us in it’s not always going to be easy. Nothing is wrong with you or them. You didn’t marry the wrong person. You are just two sinners trying to become one.
3. Your Vows Were Future-Focused
The commitment you made to your spouse on your wedding day wasn’t for the past it was for the future. It would be pointless to make a vow about the past…because it has passed. You can’t change it.
Your vows weren’t based in the present either because it is always changing. Your vows were oriented toward the future. You promised your steadfast love and faithfulness…in the future. The future you are living in and experiencing right now.
Sure your spouse has changed and so have you. Everyone changes. If you haven’t changed it means you haven’t grown as a person.
Through your wedding vows you were committing that your love would be the one constant through the changing seasons of life.
You committed to love each version of your spouse.
4. Your Vows Weren’t About Trying
When you made your sacred vow and the minister asked if you were really committing yourself to your spouse until death do you part how did you respond?
I’m sure you said… “I’ll try.”
Of course not. You said, “I do.” Now is the time to start doing.
If you decide that it’s just too hard to honor your commitments with this spouse and you choose to get married again I guarantee you’ll be faced with this choice again…in the future…because no one is perfect.
Love isn’t based on circumstances or even feelings. Love is based on doing. More specifically love is based on doing the actions of love.
Love certainly produces feelings, but it isn’t a feeling it’s an action.
And that’s the reason 1 Corinthians 13 is read at so many Christian weddings.
Anytime we love someone…a spouse, a child, even a dog…we are saying that we will put their desires ahead of ours. We will put their happiness above our own.
When it comes to love there is no trying…there is only doing and not doing. May it always be said of us that we kept our marriage vows. May it always be said that as much as it depends on me I will always be faithful.
