How are you doing as a parent? Every parent I know wants to set their child up for success. It’s true for you and it’s one of the reasons why you are working so hard and making so many sacrifices. You want to launch them even further than you were.
Or you’re trying to grease the tracks for them so they won’t have to struggle as much as you did.
First off let me say you’re doing a great job!
I’m sure your kids haven’t told you that in…well never. But you are doing a great job and one day when they have their own kids they’ll understand your sacrifices more than they currently have the capacity to.
Behind all of your sacrifices and struggles I bet there are a few underlying questions that you are trying to answer. You probably aren’t even aware they are there.
Maybe you haven’t thought about it from that angle before, but you have some presuppositions that you bring to your parenting role. Most of your conscious actions are in response to some unconscious questions you are answering through your parenting.
But here’s the thing…If you are unintentionally trying to answer the wrong questions you can short circuit all of the good you hope to realize in your child’s future. In fact, their “future” can stop at 18 or 21 if you are unintentionally answering the wrong questions.
What do I mean?
I fear that the only questions many parents are asking and working toward with any intentionality is…
How do I help my child get a college scholarship?
Obviously, most parents hold other values much higher, but when you look at their family schedule and their family bank account the lion’s share of discretionary time and income are going to answering the college scholarship question.
Often some type of sporting event is consuming vast amounts of time and money all with the justification and hope of a college scholarship.
I know, I know…it teaches kids team work.
But how many teams does a child need to play on before they learn the value of teamwork?
We’ve turned recreation into an occupation for our children. Many kids spend just as much time practicing for their sport as they do in a classroom. In fact, I was recently told by a mom that it’s no longer called “practice” it’s now called “training.”
Training for what?
I have a friend who works for a global company and he grew up in Singapore. He told me that when he moved to the U.S. what was most shocking to him was our preoccupation with sports. He said that in his country the only kids who played sports were the ones who had no hope of ever succeeding academically. In his country after school kids didn’t go to see a coach they went to a tutor. The tutors weren’t because the children were doing poorly, but so they could excel.
The parents were investing in something that would last longer than their child’s 21st birthday. Something that would last longer than a college scholarship.
When you work from the right questions you can set your child up for success their entire life.
What are the right questions?
Here are the 3 questions I’m operating from. They may not be your questions, but I think you’d agree with me that you need a few that would last longer than their 21st birthday. Mine all start with “How can I help my kids…”
1. …Love Jesus & His Church
If that’s a high value for you how do you think this would best happen? Going to church only on Christmas and Easter? Going once a month?
If you applied your church attendance and commitment philosophy to your child’s sports do you think they would even be allowed on the team?
Sure there are mean and hypocritical people at church. They are also on your kid’s sports team. Don’t believe me? Just wait until the coach doesn’t play their child or the ref makes a call against their child.
Being a pastor I get exposed to the darker side of humanity more often than the average person. But the bright side is it gives me plenty of great examples for my kids of what not to do. 😉
Seriously, I remind my kids that mean people are everywhere. That’s just people, that’s not the church.
Speaking of teamwork…I want my kids to learn that too. I think a more adult version of teamwork is getting on a volunteer team at church. It teaches so much more than just teamwork. They learn to develop a servant’s heart, how to work with adults, how to speak with adults confidently. They learn that life is about giving, not taking. They learn what “we” can do together to impact eternity.
I could do an entire post on this question because it is so big in my mind. (I didn’t even get into them loving Jesus, but I think you can figure that out.)
When my kids leave my home and still love Jesus and His Church that will be a HUGE win to me.
Is this anywhere on your Top 10 list for parenting? If so, what are you doing to help this be true for your kids?
2. …Love Me & Their Siblings
I love my family! I wish we could live as a family forever, the fact that we won’t makes me hate each birthday. We will always be a family, but we won’t always live as a family. If I could freeze time I would (maybe that’s why I take so many pictures with my phone).
The reality that time marches on reminds me that one day my kids will reflect on their childhood and my role as their parent. One day they will tell stories to my grandchildren about the type of Dad I was or wasn’t. When they reflect on their childhood and our time together living as a family I want their hearts to be full. I want them to have a catalogue of experiences to reflect on that bring them joy. My hope is that when they think about our family they will say one word “Fun!”
My wife and I also want them to know and enjoy being around their siblings so that when they are adults they would actually look forward to and plan family get togethers…because they are fun!
The time you spend with your children in their first 20 years will affect what the next 40+ look like. You will know your children longer as adults than as children. What that adult relationship looks like is dependent upon those short years at home.
It’s no small feat because those 20 years are the very years you are trying to establish yourself in your career and establish yourself financially. I get it. Parenting goals aren’t something that scream for your focus and attention like a needy customer or boss. Stay focused especially in those crucial first 18 years. You’ll never regret it!
So let me circle back around…Do you think this would best be accomplished by sitting on a bleacher?
3. …Be Prepared for Life
I don’t want them just to be prepared for a game. I want them to be a responsible adult that’s contributing to society and working for the common good. I want them to realize they are responsible and accountable.
As sad as I’ll be when each one leaves home there will also be a tremendous sense of joy knowing they are beginning their unique journey of fulfilling the purpose God has for them. My part in their story will change. I’ll move from the leading role to one of the supporting cast members. My prayer is that I’ve prepared them for who God made them to be.
It chokes me up just writing that. I’m such a sap when it comes to my kids.
Contrary to what you might think from this post I’m not anti-sports. My kids have and do play sports.
I just wanted you to stop and evaluate what questions are you really trying to answer with how you spend your time. Because whether you are trying to answer the same 3 parenting questions I am, I guarantee you your kids will answer these questions for you one day.
The clock is ticking. Soon you’ll be a supporting cast member.
What can you do every week to help your child:
- Love Jesus & His Church.
- Love you and their siblings.
- Be prepared for life.
